Editor’s note: This article contains spoilers for Love Is Blind season 8, streaming on Netflix now.
When it comes to politics in relationships, the rules aren’t exactly clear. For some, potentially divisive beliefs are private, personal, and nobody’s business—let alone anything you’d ever discuss on a first date. For others, though, knowing where your partner stands on key issues or core values isn’t just a casual conversation—it’s a nonnegotiable you have to know before even thinking about long-term potential. And as one couple on Love Is Blind season 8 is proving, clashing views can quickly shake up even the strongest connections.
While getting to know each other in the pods, Ben Mezzenga and Sara Carton seem to be hitting it off—until the conversation turns to politics in the season’s fourth episode. Carton says that social movements and activism are “really important” to her; Mezzenga, on the other hand, admits that he’s “kind of ignorant towards that stuff,” and “didn’t vote in the last election.” When Carton asks about the Black Lives Matter movement in particular, Mezzenga adds that he prefers to “keep out of it”—all answers that don’t sit well with his soon-to-be fiancée.
Ultimately, Carton decides to give their connection a shot…at least for now, after Mezzenga expresses his willingness to grow. “I just hope my partner is wanting to learn and [be] able to empathize with others and put themselves in other people’s shoes,” she explains.
Whether her decision has you thinking “Good for her for keeping an open mind!” or yelling “Noooo, why!!!” at the TV, it’s hard not to wonder: Should political differences be a total deal-breaker? Or is there a way to make it work if you don’t see eye to eye?
Is a relationship doomed if you have completely different political views?
Whether or not a relationship can weather opposing ideologies depends on a few things, like how much politics matter to you in the first place. According to Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a New York City–based clinical psychologist, it can be hard to sustain anything long-term if one person is deeply invested in civic engagement and the other couldn’t care less—or the two hold completely contradicting opinions. In these cases, conflict isn’t just likely—it’s practically inevitable, Dr. Romanoff tells SELF.
That said, certain disagreements tend to be easier to navigate than others, Dr. Romanoff says—like about specific environmental policies, say, or tax plans. Sure, you might occasionally bicker over where government spending should be allocated, but those kinds of debates usually focus on logistical preferences rather than beliefs about right and wrong. Because of this, she says, it’s much easier to brush these differences aside without letting them threaten your connection.
Where things get complicated, however, is when “political stances reflect deeper moral values and worldviews,” Janet Bayramyan, LCSW, licensed psychotherapist at Road to Wellness in Los Angeles, tells SELF. “For some people, these ideologies represent a fundamental part of their identity and how they engage with the world.”